Hannah, Get Thee to a Nunnery, Revisited

Here is part of our weekday morning routine. Before my girls are off to school, I make Hannah go back and change from her tight-fitting Aeropostale shirt at least once, and she usually returns wearing one that has thicker fabric but is otherwise more form-fitting. Then, I quietly retire to my bedroom, apply a fine mist of pureed onion, generously dab on some 'Critter Scent,' which I was once given at a gag-gift party...this after Hannah sits for a quick video I produced called 'Bad, Bad Things You Should Know About Mononucleosis.' Then, still damp from nature's fragrant bounty, I give Hannah a long, gigantic bear hug, off to school she goes.

Now, you're probably thinking my 'little green monster' is coming out, aren't you? You're probably thinking "He's just jealous of those athletic 8th graders, and more specifically, the skill players," ...aren't you? You're probably saying "lineman" to yourself right now, aren't you? You probably think that I never got to handle the ball even once, wasn't even allowed to try out for tight end...

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I did handle the ball once, on sophomore team, when one of the 'important' players fumbled and I fell on it. I can still smell the pigskin, the sweet sweat, the grass stains...it would have been more gratifying, were this precious gem not instantly plucked from my grasp by the ref. Did you know that the pigskin actually has tiny, cute little round bumps on it? I never knew that, because I was never allowed to actually hold a football.(sniff)

Our initial intelligence probes confirm that a certain QB has his eye on our daughter. Great. Here we go. I just hope that these kids with six-packs and firm, marbled buttocks will appreciate who is coming their way. And she's only going to be home for about 4 more years.